AN: First off I must say that this story deals with serious themes and if you, the reader, feels the need to stop reading, I won't be offended. The Kiowa traditions taken from the movie, Dances With Wolves, and my imagination based on that movie. No offence meant to anyone. And feedback is always more than welcome.

Thanks to those who helped me out; Ty and Tracy and especially Dani, my personal writer's block butt kicker.

Prologue

I've been doing it for about a month now. It's the only thing that gets me through the day. The only thing that makes me forget - makes me feel good. No one knows about it. They wouldn't understand. They are grieving too. I don't want them not understanding the way of the Kiowa add to that. They are worried about me enough at it is. I see the way they look at me when they think I'm looking the other way.

At first I thought it was disgusting - but then I got used to it. The pain. The blood. The feeling of euphoria. Well, not disgusting - more the fact that I had never done it before and it was a new thing.

Teaspoon is the only one that has really talked to me since after it happened. He noticed that I wasn't eating, it worried him as well as everybody else. In a vain hope to lessen their burden, I force food down my throat. It just won't stay down. After every meal I go out back to throw up. I know I need food to survive, but what's the point in living when half of you is dead?

There's a part of me that says that Ike did the right thing. He made the ultimate sacrifice in order to save Emily's life. There's also a part of me that says that Ike was wrong to jumping in front of the bullet meant for Emily. Emily was the one that was meant to die, not Ike.

Chapter 1.

Jimmy Hickok arrived at the station just after dark. There was something serene about darkness. It was like all the creatures that were afraid to come out during the day sprung to life when no one could really see them. Creatures like himself. Jimmy placed the saddle over the stall door and began to rub his mare down.

The last month had been a living hell for them all and Jimmy took comfort in grooming his horse or cleaning his guns - whichever was handy. For the first time in his life he had actually felt like he had a family, then something like that comes and screws it up. Ike couldn't have done anything else. He told himself that every time things was on the verge of getting too hard to handle. If Ike hadn't sacrificed himself when he did he wouldn't had been able to live with himself.

After rubbing her down and putting the saddle away he went and gave Sampson a handful of hay. The poor animal deserved it after having lost a friend. The mule was as depressed as the rest of them. Jimmy scratched him behind the ears just like Ike used to do.

What was that? There, in the straw - something reddish brown. Jimmy bent down to take a closer look. A gloved hand pushed the straw away to reveal the blood-stained floor. How had it gotten there? No one had been injured in Sampson's stall. And if they had they would have cleaned up the mess afterwards. Jimmy pushed away more straw to reveal more blood. Upon closer investigation he guessed the blood to be less than two hours old. What had happened? Looking around for evidence he found small specs of blood covering the floor. Strange that someone had taken greater pains in cleaning that up. The small specs led the way to the small room where saddles and such were kept. Evidence of whose blood it was must be in here somewhere.

In the same way Buck would track, Jimmy carefully searched the room for clues to whose blood it was. He couldn't find anything except for some old bandages that Ike had used to support his knee after he'd injured it breaking a horse. The thing about the bandages was that they looked like they hadn't been used for support - but rather for stopping a bleeding wound.

Jimmy tried to shrug it off, but it was no use. Something was definitively wrong and he had to get to the bottom of it. He decided that he was going to keep a watch look on everybody; be extra vigilant until he had figured out whose blood it was.

He looked at everybody in the bunkhouse. They were all sleeping peacefully. All except for Buck who was having a nightmare again. Jimmy hated it when Buck was having nightmares. The sounds that he made; it was like, for a few seconds he forgot how to breathe, then suddenly gasp for air. And he was always mumbling something in some Indian language.

Silently, Jimmy walked over to Buck's bunk as he noticed that Buck had kicked his blanket off during the night. As he tucked Buck in he whispered; "Thing's will get better, you'll see."

Jimmy sighed and headed for his own bunk. He couldn't sleep properly either. The bloody floor, the bandages. Why someone had tried to wash away the blood on the floor, but not in Sampson's stall. He was desperately trying to connect the dots. There was no logical explanation for this.

The next morning Jimmy paid extra attention to what everyone was doing. And taking mental notes if anything was out of the ordinary. The only thing he noticed was that everyone, for once, acted civilized around the table. It was no longer the eat-before-Cody-eats-everything. On one hand, they now had the opportunity to enjoy the food. On the other hand, no one could rightfully enjoy the food.

Chapter 2.

Jimmy's been staring at me from across the table. Staring like he's trying to figure me out. He's been staring at everyone else as well, but his eyes always comes back to me. Does he know? Focus on eating your food. Don't let him know you know he's watching.

I swallow hard, but the mashed potatoes get stuck in my throat.

What? This isn't the place where I hid the bandages. I always make sure that they're out of view from anybody but me. Are my suspicions true? Does Jimmy know? Has he found the bandages?

There is one that knows the darkest of my secrets, Sampson. Oh, how Ike loved that mule. There was a special bond between the two of them. Sampson cared about Ike the same way that Ike cared about Sampson. Ike used to say that it was only because he fed him - but there was more behind it than that. The two of them were friends.

It's strange. The effect of my cutting seems to work best when I'm in Sampson's stall. I guess because when I'm in there I'm closer to Ike. I've also been using the bandages Ike used to support his knee to bind my arms. It makes me feel like a part of Ike is still alive. Instead of supporting his knee it's supporting me when I bind them tightly on my arms - reminding me that I need to get through the day. Telling me not to listen to the voice that wants me to cut too deep.

The blood oozes out of the wound on my arm. For a moment the pain subsides. For a moment I'm in ecstasy. This is the only thing that gets me through the day. I need to do this to survive. When I'm cutting it's the only time I feel alive. Like there is a right in the world.

I don't feel the same euphoria like I did at first. It's like my body has got used to it and doesn't react to the pain in the same way any more. It still hurts when I cut, but not in the same way. The urge to do it again comes. Maybe this time the release I seek will come? So I do it again. It's better this time. Double the pain I guess. It still isn't enough but I have to stop now. The others will come looking for me soon.

Sampson looks at me. His deep dark eyes are filled with sorrow. Can a mule cry? If he could the stable would be flooded by now. Sampson, why are you crying?

"NOO!!" I wake up, drenched in sweat. I had the dream again. The dream where Ike gets shot.

In the dream I reach the saloon in time to save Ike's life. Before Ike is given the chance to jump in front of Emily and take the bullet meant for her I shoot Neville. Then I wake up to find that my dream is just that... a dream. I didn't make it in time to save Ike. It all seemed so real; too real. The strange thing is, throughout the dream I know that I won't make it. I pray that I will. But the road just seems to be getting longer and longer. Then... I hear the gunshot.

Immediately Lou is by my side. Giving me a hug and telling me everything's gonna be all right.

Ever since we all found out that she was really a girl, she's been like a big sister to me. At least I think so - I never had a big sister before. I thank the spirits that I'm wearing my long john top so that she doesn't notice the bandages. I want to tell her that everything isn't going to be all right. It's my fault that Ike is dead. I wasn't fast enough. It's my fault. The words have left me. Instead I weep on her shoulder.

In some ways I want to tell the truth, tell the whole world. Climb to the top of the mountain and scream about how my life is a living hell and everything stinks. What I've been doing to relieve the pain. Let the cat out of the bag. But if I do, they'll leave me to die.

I'm growing weak. Just trying to get out of bed in the morning is looked upon as a major task. Today I noticed that my clothes were too big - I had to fasten my belt a notch tighter than what I normally do. The water in the washbasin splashes across my face and runs down like tears. I see my reflection in the mirror and I look like a white man. Pale and dishonest. I've been telling nothing but lies. The few times that I've opened my mouth to speak, nothing but lies have come out of it. Saying that I'm fine when I'm not. Saying that I'm happy when it's obvious that I'm not. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. The way I've been living - I should be dead.

There's a voice inside me that tells me that what I'm doing is wrong - that I should tell the truth. What? Are the ways of the Kiowa wrong? Is that what my inner voice has been telling me? That I've been living in the white world for too long and thus the ways of the Kiowa has left me. No! That can't be it. I proved my spirit to be Kiowa less than a year ago. My brother asked of me to return to my people.

"Come back to your people." Those were his exact words. Brother, you were too blind to see the way I lived my life in the village. I tried to tell you that.

"Scorned? Have you forgotten how I lived in the village? Eating alone after everyone else had finished... sleeping with their eyes on my back? To them, I was WHITE."

Running Buck Cross, will you get a grip! You're not white. Red Bear said so, but you refused to believe him.

Chapter 3.

Over the breakfast table Jimmy looks everybody over. But his gaze keeps returning to Buck. He doesn't have it easy. Teaspoon's only been giving him the shorter runs, wanting him closer to home. Jimmy couldn't imagine what was going through Buck's mind. How he managed to get through the day. Jimmy had had some moments in his own life when he had just wanted to lie down and die. After his father got himself killed he knew that he had to leave home. His twelve-year-old mind couldn't for the life of him understand why his sisters were grieving their father's death. The world was probably a better place without the man. He wasn't even a man. He was just a monster. Jimmy and his mother were the only ones that saw that side of him. There was no longer a need for Jimmy at the small farm, so he left.

Buck must be feeling like that now. Wanting to lie down and die.

After breakfast Jimmy took to brooding over the last night's discoveries. Nobody had tried to clean up the blood in Sampson's stall - yet someone had tried (and failed) to clean up the blood on the floor leading to the saddle room. That someone didn't want any one to find out and that's why the bandages were hidden from view. It couldn't be some drifter gone astray so it had to be one of them. Sampson hadn't kicked someone. Heck, the only thing that mule ever did was to eat, sleep and crap. He was too lazy to hurt a fly. All the horses had their own assigned stall so there was no logical reason for one of the horses to in Sampson's stall.

Dismissing the idea of how the blood had got there, Jimmy went to mull over whose blood it was. Which one of them had a reason to hide a wound? There was no need to mention any normal scratch - there was too much blood for that. That leaves Cody out, he'd be most likely to make a big fuss over a splinter. Lou and Kid? Nah, if one was injured the other would be sure to let the entire station know. That leaves Noah, Buck, Teaspoon and Rachel. Now which one of them was it? Jimmy clenched his fist in frustration. Just when he had gotten so close to nailing it down, his brain stopped working.

Now, which one of them had been acting funny? That was an easy one - all of them. Over the last month they'd all changed. Grown up - reality had smacked them all up the head.

There must be a way to eliminate three of them...

"Now, what's got your brain tied up in a knot?" Jesse asked.

"Huh?" Jimmy snapped out of his trance and looked up at Jesse.

"Well, you've been sitting here staring at the same spot for two hours. Either there's something very interesting 'bout that spot, or you're thinkin' too hard."

"Bit of both."

"Why?"

"Oh, all the questions..." sighed Jimmy. "Don't you have any homework to do?"

"Done 'em."

Oh, how Jimmy sometimes wanted to smash Jesse's head in. "Why don't you go see Teaspoon to see if he's got something useful for ya ta do other than hanging around me."

Seeing the look in Jimmy's eye, Jesse quickly disappeared.

Jesse... Jimmy hadn't even thought about him. Now he had the grand total of five suspects.

No matter how hard Jimmy tried to get his head around it everything seemed to just blend together.

Chapter 4.

Don't they miss him? Don't they care that he's gone for eternity? They're laughing and joking and having a good time. All except for Jimmy, that is. But Jimmy is Jimmy. Too many ghosts and too much to worry about to have a good time. When Jimmy's not mad at something or someone, he's brooding.

Neither of us is on a run today so, with the exception of chores we have the day off. Before Ike died I liked those days, now I hate them. There's nothing to take my mind off of the fact that I'm alone. When the chores are done, there's always someone everywhere so I can't seek the release I so desperately need.

Lately I've been thinking about just ending it. Ending it all. Then I can be together with Ike again and the rest of them won't have to worry about me anymore. Jimmy's still been studying me, though not as much as he used to. Maybe he has realized that there's nothing to figure out.

I wonder what it feels like - ending everything. I want to find out, but I'm scared of cutting too deep. HA! What is it that you've been doing for the last month? How ironic. For the last month I've cut myself at every night before going to bed - sometimes in the mornings too. I'm used to the pain, the blood, but the cut that will be too deep makes my palms sweat.

"The rest of us are going down to the pond for a swim before dinner. You commin?" asks Cody, looking down at me as I'm sitting on the porch deep in my own thoughts.

"Nah, bought a book on my last run, I'd like to read it." I avoid looking at Cody. Though he talks and eats enough for three he's not stupid. He could probably tell if I were lying.

"Buck, c'mon. It's too warm to sit inside cooped up behind a book. Doesn't a nice water fight sound better?"

Actually, it does, but there are parts of me that you really don't want to see. And my wounds sting when they come into contact with water - that I don't mind. "Nah, I'd rather read."

"Ah, Buck, c'mon," Cody whines.

"Cody, I said no and I meant it. Is that so damned hard for that brain of yours to understand?"

I get up and now I'm standing a foot away from him. Right now I feel like smashing his head in. Why is it that he can't take no for an answer? Cody looks at me in disbelief. Like he's scared or something. What? Me raising my voice frightens you? It's strange, normally I would never raise my voice. I'm scaring myself. What's happening to me? Normally I would go along to the pond and enjoy being out in the sun, but something in me has changed. I want to be alone, I spent most of my life by myself, but this is different.

"What'd I ever say for you to bite my head off?" Cody asks me after he's gotten over the shock of me yelling at him. Confusion is painted on his face.

"Sorry," I tell him. "Didn't mean to if I did." I take a step back while looking at him apologetically, though I don't really feel I owe him an apology. At some point he has to stop acting like he's ten.

"If you change your mind you know where the pond is." Cody says before he quickly joins the others. He's trying to get away from me, I just know it. Like I ain't good enough for him. I'm not white - that's his problem. The only reason that they still let me work here is because I was Ike's friend.

As I turn around to enter the bunkhouse there's a sudden pain in my right arm. Both my arms have been hurting since I began cutting, but not like that. It's like my arm is frozen into one position and I can't move it. I've been too focused on how annoying Cody is or I've been too deep in my own thoughts to notice it. I feel lightheaded and I just want to lay down to a dreamless sleep. Right now, I would give anything for a sleep without the nightmare that has become my nemesis. I would kill for the experience of waking up without knowing that I was the one that really killed Ike. The others know it too as well and that's why they're looking at me in the way that they do.

I lie down in my bunk and stare at bunk above mine. The one that used to belong to Ike. If I try real hard, I can still hear his snores. There is a tear falling down my cheek. That's the last thing I remember before I fall asleep.

Chapter 5.

Jimmy leaned against the tree while letting the sun dry his hair. He had decided that for now, he would not think about the blood on the floor or the way Buck had acted towards Cody. Lord knows Cody deserved it, but it was the first time that Buck had ever raised his voice at anyone. Cody had been pestering Jimmy about it all the way to the pond. At first he had listened, but eventually everything just went in one ear and out the other. It was a technique that his sister had taught him when dealing with the drunken ramblings of their father, and it worked pretty well.

Though he tried very hard not to think about it, he just couldn't help seeing those bandages in his minds eye. Teaspoon had once said that when you concentrate too hard on just one thing the brain ties itself into a knot and plum stops working. Jimmy knew that to be the truth. He hadn't gotten one step further in figuring out who it was. Maybe he could try talking to Teaspoon. Get a second set of eyes on the subject.

Rachel entered the bunkhouse to prepare dinner. She was surprised to hear Buck's rhythmical snoring as she was sure that he had gone with the others to the swimming hole. Might be just as good to have him sleeping instead of swimming. He sure needs it. How any of the other boys could get any sleep with Buck snoring was beyond her. She began preparing dinner as quietly as she could so as not to wake Buck.

It wasn't a good sleep, she noted, but eventually he calmed down.

"Where's Buck?" Cody asked as the gang entered the bunkhouse for dinner. Before Cody had a chance to open his mouth even further, Rachel hushed him and gave him a warning eye.

"He needs his sleep, so I want none of the usual noice. Am I making myself clear?" Everyone nodded, even Cody who was wondering how he was going to get through this meal without opening his mouth other than to eat. He just had to keep his attention on eating his food and not everything else.

"You gonna eat that?" Cody, the first one to open his mouth asked, looking hopefully at Jimmy, who was sitting across the table. Jimmy hadn't eaten much of his dinner.

"What?" Jimmy looked up from the meatball that he had spent the last five minutes shuffling around with his fork.

"You gonna eat that, or just pretend that it's a locomotive?"

"You can have it. I'm not really that hungry anyway." And with that Jimmy excused himself and went to his bunk for an afternoon nap. He had done all his chores and intended to spend his time off away from all things that could be compared to Jesse's questions. He didn't have to look at Buck to find that he was soundly asleep. The snore that had driven him to a point near insanity, and now couldn't sleep without, vouched for that.

"Teaspoon, can I talk to ya?" Jimmy stood in the doorway to the Marshal's office with his hat in his hand, interrupting Teaspoon's afternoon nap.

"Unless it's something important, no," said Teaspoon and lowered his feet to the floor. He knew that it was important as Jimmy would have better sense than to wake him otherwise. Jimmy pulled out a chair and sat down next to him.

There was an awkward silence between the two of them until Teaspoon broke it. "You got something to say, or are ya just going to sit there?"

"Well, I don't know exactly where to begin." Jimmy shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Let's say that if you got a friend and you think that friend is in some serious trouble, but you're not sure. What do you do?"

"Well, how much trouble are we talkin' 'bout here? Are we talking just regular girl trouble or are we talking something else?"

"Something else." Jimmy had a gut feeling that talking to Teaspoon was a bad idea, but if someone was going to put Jimmy's head straight it was him.

"But you're not completely sure?" Jimmy nodded, swallowing hard. "Then I'd say you're to keep you're eyes and ears open till you're completely sure and then you try to help your friend. Who is this friend, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't know yet." Jimmy looked down at his boots, not wanting to look at Teaspoon. Teaspoon was probably thinking that he had destroyed a perfectly good afternoon nap with no good reason.

"Then find out who and then see you can help him and if you can't, come see me again." Teaspoon effectively declared the conversation ended and Jimmy asked a final question before leaving the office to ponder what he was going to do next.

"Teaspoon, I was wondering. Could I get a few days off to try and figure things out? To visit my sister or something."

Chapter 6.

It's dark out and I know I should be asleep like the rest of the guys. Well, the rest of them except from Jimmy that is. He's visiting his sister. I'm the only one that can't sleep. There's too much going on inside my head and my arms hurt like hell. I slept through most of the day anyway. 'That's not an excuse.' The voice inside my head says. The voice has been talking to me a lot lately. Ever since I started to cut it's been talking to me. It's been telling me to do the right thing. Tell the others that I'm not doing well. But I'm stronger. I know what the right thing is. Take care of my own problems. Work things out for myself. If Ike was here, he'd help me fix things, but he ain't and that's my fault.

Ouch! What the heck is happening to me? My arms hurt like they are about to fall off my shoulders.

Jimmy was awakened from an uneasy sleep as he heard someone enter the barn. It wasn't his intention to fall asleep, it just happened. He had agreed with Teaspoon that he could have a few days off to visit his sister who was with child. After riding till Rock Creek was just a tiny spot in the horizon, he rode so that he could enter Rock Creek again from the east and thus he wouldn't get noticed entering town. After placing Sundance at the livery, he waited until dark before sneaking into the barn. There he would wait until whoever it was came back.

How he knew that the one whose blood it was would come back? If he was asked he couldn't give you a sensible answer, he just knew. It was something his gut told him and his gut was usually right.

Careful not to make any sound, he got up to see who had entered the barn. He was surprised to see that it was Buck. He anxiously waited to see what Buck was doing, hoping that he was just catching some air.

Buck looked around him as if he was checking if someone was there. He walked over to Sampson's stall. Jimmy drew a deep breath and swallowed hard, silently hoping that Buck hadn't heard him. He felt bad enough sneaking around, and being caught wouldn't make things any easier.

Not knowing if he really wanted to know the truth, Jimmy peaked over into Sampson's stall, hoping that Buck were only there to say hello to the animal.

In anticipation, Jimmy watched as Buck scratched Sampson's mane and whispered a few sweet nothings in his ear. Sampson, with half closed eyes, sighed in content, but Jimmy had been around animals long enough to notice when one wasn't happy, and Sampson wasn't a happy camper.

Buck sat down, leaning against the wall. Jimmy held his breath, too scared of what would happen if he were found out. If he moved as much as a single muscle, he would be discovered.

Sampson nudged Buck's shoulder, asking to be scratched again.

"Not now," Buck muttered and with a hand he pushed Sampson away.

Sampson raised his head and looked Jimmy straight in the eye, pleading for help.

Buck drew his left leg up and took his knife out of the sheath. He studied it as if it was the first time that he had seen it. Then, before Jimmy had a chance to grasp what was happening, Buck had rolled up one sleeve and cut himself.

When Jimmy saw the blood and Buck's euphoric smile, he emptied his stomach.

Chapter 7

Jimmy pinned Buck up against the wall, an emotion that couldn't be put into any known category on his face. Happy that he had finally figured everything out, but mad at Buck for scaring the living hell out of him. Scared because Buck could have died doing what he was doing. Horrified and disgusted at the sight and thought of what he was doing.

"What have you been up to for the last month?" Jimmy demanded, looking Buck square in the eye.

"What are you talking about?" Buck was scared alright. Jimmy silently vouched that he was going to break Buck. If they both died in the process - so be it.

"Don't try to get out of this! You know too damn well what I'm talking about!" Their faces were three inches away from each other.

"Honest, I don't know what you're talking about." 'Or does he?'

"Buck Cross. I've been in enough poker games to know when a person is lying. And you're doing a lousy job at it."

"You wouldn't understand." That was one step closer to a confession.

"Try me. I understand a whole lot more than you think." Jimmy didn't understand this.

"No." Buck glared at him.

"I said - try me!" Jimmy purposely put pressure on every word. If that's the way that Buck wanted to play it, he was just going to have to force it out.

"NO!" Buck raised his voice in a vain attempt to get Jimmy to leave him alone.

"I SAID - TRY ME!" Jimmy spat, his jaw clenched.

"You wouldn't care anyway." Jimmy loved seeing Buck squirm. He was beginning to get the upper hand.

"Why the HELL do you think I'm standing here yelling at you for! That I can't stand you? That I think you're nothing more than a dirty injun? You're wrong. Where's your head? Everywhere but in between your shoulders, that's for sure. You're my brother for God's sake! You're my brother..." Jimmy's voice trailed off. He hadn't realized that until now. This was his family.

'What?' Buck shook his head to get rid of what Jimmy had just told him. At first he had thought that Jimmy was calling him stuff that he didn't like being called, but then he said that they were brothers. "I'll be fine. Now if you'll excuse me I got some work to do." Buck turned around to leave, but Jimmy slammed him back into the wall.

"No, we ain't through yet! You still haven't answered my question."

"I told you. You wouldn't understand." Again Buck turned to walk away and again he was slammed back into the wall.

"And I said try me."

"I said you wouldn't care."

"You're my brother and I do care."

"Not really." Stated Buck as matter of fact. 'We don't share blood and you know that.'

"We're all family. Tell me; have you never caught yourself on the verge of calling Teaspoon, Pa?" How many times had Jimmy caught himself calling Teaspoon, Pa?

"That's none of your business." 'So I'm not the only one.'

"Then I'll make it my business!"

"How many times do I have to tell you - I'm fine. I'm fine." 'No, you're not,' a voice inside him said.

"No, you ain't fine. You ain't eating. You ain't sleeping. Noticed how Teaspoon ain't been sending you on any runs?"

"I miss him, alright? You happy now?"

Even closer to a confession.

"There's more to the story and you know it!"

"No, there's not more to the story. Why can't you just believe me?"

"This is why I don't believe ya!" Jimmy ripped the sleeves off of Buck's shirt, exposing the bloody bandages. For a second the whole world stopped. Buck stared at Jimmy in utter disbelief, while Jimmy couldn't take his eyes off of Buck's arms and the blood stained bandages. He felt like he was going to be sick, or cry, or both at the same time.

"I got jumped on a run," Buck explained. 'Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.' "It's nothing bad, so I didn't want to make a big fuss about it."

"If I check your knife, am I gonna find blood on it?" Jimmy had finally managed to move his eyes.

"So I've been cutting myself. What's it to ya?" This was exactly what Jimmy wanted, a confession. Yet why did he feel like he had just gotten punched ten times in the gut.

"Why?" He managed to utter after about 10 seconds.

"You wouldn't understand." Buck stated, looking at the ground. "Just leave it alone Jimmy, this has got nothing to do with you," continued Buck. His voice was very quiet.

"Buck, this is..." Jimmy made hand gestures in the general direction of Buck's arms. "Sick!" It was the only word that he could think off.

"Maybe it's sick to a white man. But to me it makes perfect sense."

"You're gonna kill yourself!" Jimmy yelled. Angry, tears in his eyes.

He saw the look on Buck's face when he said that and then he began to understand. Or so he thought.

"Is that what you want? You wanna die? You wanna kill yourself Buck? Hell, I coulda taken care of that for ya! All ya had to do is ask!" On one swift motion Jimmy drew his gun out and placed the barrel under Buck's chin. "Instead of draggin' it out and makin' us watch you suffer, let's just get it over with. Right here! Right now!" Jimmy wanted to scare him, to make him realize what he was doing didn't just hurt himself.

"Go ahead." Buck grabbed the gun, his hand over Jimmy's, and jammed it further in under his chin. Then he cocked it.

Jimmy had a hard time believing what was happening. Was Buck's grief so deep that he saw death as the only way out? Realizing that his mouth was open, Jimmy quickly shut it. That was the only movement he made. Buck's actions had paralyzed him.

They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes - face to face. Jimmy tried to take the gun away, but Buck held on - his knuckles turning white.

"What's the matter Hickok? Ain't got the stomach for it?" Buck spat. "Just shoot me. No problem. All you have to do is to pull the trigger. Just pull the trigger." Buck was pleading now.

Jimmy jerked the gun away in one swift motion. "Are ya blind? I'm trying to help you!" he screamed.

"It's too late, Jimmy. I can't be helped." With great sadness Buck's eyes went to the floor - not wanting to look Jimmy in the eye.

"You think I don't miss him? That I don't wake up everyday thinking he's gonna be in the bunk across from me, and then when he's not, that I don't feel that pain all over again? Buck, we ALL do. You ain't alone."

"He was all I had," Buck explained, his voice thick with emotion.

"What do you mean? What about me, and Cody, and Lou, ain't we your friends too?" Jimmy looked at Buck, hoping that he was finally getting through to him. "If anything happens to you, it'll kill Lou. You know how much she loves you? It'll kill all of us."

"Not like him. He was special. He was the first person besides my mother that treated me like I'm human. Don't ya see? He was the first person that wasn't obligated to." Buck bit his lip. "I just want the pain to stop." His voice could barely be heard as it was now but a whisper.

"And cutting yourself makes the pain stop? That's stupid."

"It's a release. If I don't do it I'm not gonna make it through the day."

"This ain't gonna bring him back Buck. He's gone. You gotta start letting him go."

"I can't. I CAN'T! Don't you understand that?!" Now Buck was the one who was screaming. "There's nothing left for me!" Jimmy had loosened his hold on Buck as all the fight seemed to have gone out of him. Buck slid down the wall, until he was sitting on the floor of the barn his knees drawn up to his chin, his head in his hands.

"You're gonna keep on living Buck, we all are." Jimmy tried to sound hopeful, for himself as much as for Buck. Buck looked up at him, and Jimmy thought his face looked gaunt and pale. Too pale.

"Now you're the one who's blind. What do you think is gonna happen to me when the waystation's sold? When the express is over, I've got no job and nowhere to go."

"Neither do I."

"Yes you do. You're a white man who's fast with his gun. You can go anywhere you want."

"Buck..." started Jimmy as he knelt down beside him, but he was interrupted.

"I'm a half-breed Jimmy. A half-breed with no family and no job. Where do you think I'll end up? On some Army post or reservation waiting to die!"

"Buck," continued Jimmy. "Your blood is what Wild Bill is to me. It ain't gonna go away, so you gonna have ta learn how to live with it. To cope."

"You're white. I'm not. It's the truth and you know it."

"When I walk down the street; Don't ya think that I got everybody's eyes on my back? Don't ya think I wake up every day wondering if this is my last? If this is the last cup of coffee that I'll drink? If this is the last sunrise that I'll see?" Jimmy hissed through clenched teeth. This silenced Buck. "You ain't the only one feeling lost." Jimmy's voice trailed off again. He had wanted Buck realize that what he was doing didn't do no good and in the process he had realized that, in many ways, they were the same.

"Let's talk to Teaspoon. We can go together if you want... he'll help us figure this out." Jimmy still had tears in his eyes, but his anger had given way to sadness. He gently nudged Buck on the shoulder - encouraging him to get up.

"He can't fix this Jimmy."

"We gotta try."

"No, I just can't. Some things just can't be fixed."

"Buck, Teaspoon the smartest man I know. Heck, he even managed to knock some sense into my skull. That don't count for nothing." Jimmy strained to put a smile on his face, thinking that a joke on his expense might loosen Buck up a little.

"I can't. If I tell Teaspoon the truth... He'll..." Buck stopped as if he was searching for the right words. "He'll hate me."

"He won't. Teaspoon will never hate you. Any of us."

"He will. Jimmy... I'm the one that killed Ike!" 'What? Did I just say that? Well, now Jimmy knows everything. There ain't nothing to be done about it.'

"No! Neville killed Ike! You had nothing to do with it!"

"Jimmy, you were there. I wasn't fast enough. I didn't make it to the saloon in time. When I got there. Ike was already... The blood..."

"Buck, that ain't the truth. If Ike hadn't jumped to save Emily... He wouldn't have been able to live with himself afterwards. He..." Jimmy sighed. "He did the right thing and there was nothing either of us could have done."

"The blood... Ike was already..." Uncontrollably, Buck repeated it over and over - shaking back and forth. Jimmy was at loss. He had no idea what was happening to either of them.

Now Jimmy understood what Buck's demon was. He thought that he was responsible for Ike's. It wasn't unusual that when things went wrong in town Buck was the one that got blamed, even when he had a bullet-proof alibi he still got blamed.

"Buck." Jimmy tried to get his attention, but Buck was lost in his own mind. "Everything's gonna be fine. Things will get better. You just have ta believe that."

He put a hand on Buck's arm, and noticed that Buck was shivering. It wasn't cold in the barn, but he was shaking uncontrollably now. It was like he had no control of his own body. Jimmy turned Buck's face to look him in the eye, and when he did, he felt the fever.

"Jesus, you're burning up!"

"Buck!" he yelled, but his friend was delirious now. Jimmy felt a moment of panic. What should he do? He didn't want to leave Buck, but he had to get some help. And he couldn't very well be two places at once. Though right now he tried to be. How would he explain this? What should he do? Would Buck be alright? What was going to happen to him?

"Alright, don't worry. I'm gonna go get some help and we'll get you fixed up..." He took his coat off and put it over Buck, then got up and ran toward the barn door. He ran right into Teaspoon.

"Good gracious. Who's on your tail? I heard you yellin' out in the yard. What's goin on in here?" asked Teaspoon. He looked past Jimmy and saw Buck slummed against the wall, shaking.

"What the hell...?" Teaspoon felt his jaw drop to the floor.

"I think he's sick," explained Jimmy. His relief at seeing Teaspoon was so great that he almost felt like he was going to faint.

"Did you find him like this?" Teaspoon asked as he rushed to the Buck's side.

"Not exactly. We were talkin' and he...he started getting upset, then he just started shaking."

"He's burning up." Teaspoon felt Buck's face and tilted it up to look in his eyes. He was close to losing consciousness now. At that moment, Jimmy's coat fell to the ground and Teaspoon saw Buck's torn shirt and his bare arms. He saw the cuts, old and new overlapped, his eyes went wide with shock.

"Mother of God, what happened to him?" Teaspoon turned to Jimmy. "Did somebody in town do this?" Turning back to look at Buck's arms, Teaspoon removed the sleeves completely and saw more cuts. He couldn't believe it.

"He did it." Jimmy answered quietly, looking at the ground.

"What?" Teaspoon thought, wished, he had heard wrong.

"He did it to himself!" Jimmy answered, louder now, the hurt and anger he felt coming out in his voice.

"Are you sure?" Teaspoon was laying Buck on the floor now, and had grabbed a clean saddle blanket to cover him up. The only sign that Buck was alive was the violent shivering. He had to get the doc, but he wanted to get this story straight first.

Jimmy didn't answer. He was looking at Buck; unshed tears in his eyes. "I said are you sure?" The older man spoke louder and grabbed Jimmy's arm to get his attention.

"Yes! Yes, I'm sure!" Jimmy shook him off, then ran a shaking hand through his hair. Though he trusted Teaspoon to fix everything, there was still panic flowing freely in his veins. "That's what we were talking about when he...when this happened. He blames himself for Ike getting killed and, he said that it... helps."

Teaspoon took a deep breath, trying to get his mind around everything that was happening. Jimmy was a mess, so he'd have to go get the doctor. He didn't want the other riders knowing about this either. Buck was trying to hide what he was doing and Teaspoon aimed to keep it that way. He had a feeling that everyone finding out wouldn't exactly make things better for Buck.

"Alright Jimmy, now I want you to listen to me." He turned Jimmy so that his back was to Buck and he couldn't see him. "I want you to go in the house and wake Rachel. Tell her that Buck is sick and we need to get him into her spare room. Then come back out here and you and I will have to get him in the house. If anybody stops you, or asks you any questions, do not tell them anything. You understand me?" Teaspoon locked his gaze and Jimmy nodded.

"Hurry."

Jimmy ran toward Rachel's. He had no idea what exactly he was doing. He just did as Teaspoon told him. It seemed like Rachel's house just got farther and farther away the closer he actually got to the house.

In less than 5 minutes Jimmy was back in the barn. Luckily no one had seen him go in to the house this late. Teaspoon prayed their luck would hold and they could get Buck into the house without anyone seeing them. Maybe for once all the other boys had turned in early.

They carried Buck in as gently as they could. Luckily, there was a spare bedroom on the first floor, so they didn't have to contend with the stairs. Rachel's face was full of concern as she watched Teaspoon and Jimmy lay Buck on the bed.

"Just get him covered up and try to keep him warm," Teaspoon said as he was about to head out the door.

"Teaspoon, what's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"Just work on getting that fever down Rachel. I'll be back as soon as I can."

His avoidance of her question only increased her worry. "It's bad isn't it?" she looked Teaspoon in the eye, and knew the answer already.

"We'll talk when I get back." As he walked down the hall to the front door, Jimmy followed him.

"Teaspoon? He's gonna be alright... ain't he?" The older man was walking out the door and down the front steps, with Jimmy at his heels.

"That's why I'm goin' for the doctor Jimmy, so he can answer that question."

"Why can't you answer it?" Jimmy asked, the sound of panic was evident in his voice again.

"I don't have time to right now son."

"Is he gonna die? I knew I should've told you about this sooner, but I didn't know it was him... I didn't know what to do... Then, I tried to tell him we should talk to you about it but he...."

Jimmy was talking faster and faster, on the verge of losing control. Teaspoon turned around and grabbed him by both arms, shaking him slightly.

"Jimmy! You gotta calm down now. We'll talk about all this when I get back here, but the longer we wait, the harder it's gonna be to break that fever. Just go back inside and do whatever Rachel tells you. I'll get back here as quick as I can, alright?"

Jimmy nodded and, taking a deep breath, trying to calm down.

Teaspoon mounted his horse, and Jimmy looked up, with one last question.

"He ain't gonna die of this fever, is he?

"It's not the fever I'm worried about Jimmy."

With that, Teaspoon was gone. Jimmy turned and hurried back in the house.

Upon entering the room again, Jimmy noticed that Rachel was already washing Buck's forehead with a damp cloth.

"Jimmy, what's wrong with him?" Rachel pleaded. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to the bed.

"Let's wait till Teaspoon comes back with the doc." Jimmy was too upset by the situation to even think straight. He didn't know what he was going to tell Rachel anyway, so he just repeated what Teaspoon had told him. What else could he do?

Jimmy started to remove Buck's boots. Just because he was lying there fighting for his life didn't mean that the bed had to get dirty. He thought that maybe if he could actually DO something for Buck, he'd feel better. And it was partially his fault that Buck was laying there right now, he was the one that screamed at him.

Before he could take off the second boot Jimmy saw Buck's knife. It was strapped to his boot, just where it should be. Jimmy reached down and very carefully, removed the knife from the sheath.

Sitting in silence, he stared at it. Buck's blood could clearly be seen. It hadn't dried yet. The light from the lantern made the blade sparkle.

"Jimmy, are you 'right?" asked Rachel. Jimmy didn't answer. He didn't even hear Rachel's voice. All he could do was to focus on the knife. The knife that Buck had used to cut his own flesh. Suddenly, Jimmy was bombarded with images in his minds eye: The blood in Sampson's stall, the bandages, the cuts he'd seen on Buck's body, that haunted look in his eye when Jimmy asked him if he wanted to die... Jimmy stared at the knife, and felt the bile rise in his throat. He swallowed hard, trying to force it down, but it was no use. The knife fell to the floor with a clatter, and before he could even get up and out of the chair, Jimmy threw up.

"Jimmy!" Rachel grabbed an empty bowl and got it under his chin just as he threw up again. After a moment, she took the towel that she had been using on Buck, and started to clean Jimmy's face. He took it from her and sat back in the chair, trying to catch his breath.

"You're white as a sheet! What is it?" Jimmy didn't doubt that he looked awful. He felt it.

When he didn't answer, she got another towel and began to clean the mess on the floor.

"I'll do it," said Jimmy.

"It's alright," answered Rachel. "I can..."

"I said, I'LL DO IT!" Jimmy grabbed the towel out of her hand, and Rachel looked at him as if she'd been slapped.

Jimmy stopped and put his head in his hands. Rachel took the towel from him and wordlessly, started wiping the mess. "I'm sorry," Jimmy finally said, his voice hoarse with emotion. When he looked at her, her eyes were full of unshed tears.

Rachel had seen Jimmy angry at times. He was a hothead, always ready for a fight; that was nothing new. But she'd never seen him like this before. It scared her.

She was kneeling on the floor in front of him, and without thinking, she reached up to stroke his hair, as though she was comforting a small child. He leaned into her hand, biting his lip to keep from crying.

"Jimmy," she began.

"Please Rachel," he pleaded. "Don't." He knew he had to get away from her, before he completely lost his hold on his emotions.

When he started to stand up, he saw the knife again, lying on the floor.

He picked it up, and wiping it clean with the towel, he threw the knife away as if it were a child's broken toy. Then, as if nothing had happened, he started on Buck's other boot.

"Jimmy, what's going on?" asked Rachel, looking Jimmy straight in the eye. Her eyes were teary and filled to the rim with confusion. Jimmy stared at her, wishing that he had his gun cleaning kit with him. Cleaning his gun always helped him figure things out when he didn't know what to do.

What was he going to tell Rachel? He could just show her. That way he wouldn't have to open his mouth. He didn't think that he would be able to open his mouth.

Quietly he moved past Rachel to Buck and with great care he removed the blankets. When she saw the condition of Buck's arms, Rachel's hand moved to her mouth and her eyes flared up as if they were plates.

"Wha...?" That was all she managed to utter.

"Now let's wait for Teaspoon to come back with the doc," concluded Jimmy covering Buck up again.

Chapter 8.

Jimmy heard the horses coming into the yard and knew that Teaspoon had returned with Doctor Weaver. Buck's fever was up again, despite Rachel's efforts, so their arrival came not a moment too soon.

As he came out the front door to meet them, he saw Cody, coming out of the bunkhouse in his long johns.

"What's goin' on?" Cody called as the doctor went inside with Jimmy.

"Nothin' Cody. Go back to sleep," Teaspoon answered.

Cody shrugged and made his way toward the outhouse. For once, he didn't ask a million questions.

Teaspoon took the stairs two at a time to catch up with the two other men. They entered the room, to see Rachel applying a cool towel to Buck's face. He was covered in quilts and shivered slightly.

Rachel stood up to let the doctor come closer and examine Buck.

"I explained to Doc how Buck got jumped on this last run..."

Rachel turned quickly to look at Teaspoon. Jumped on a run? If that's all it was, then why didn't Teaspoon just say so, and why was Jimmy a mess? It didn't make sense. She opened her mouth to speak when Jimmy, standing next to her, grabbed her hand and squeezed it, hard. He caught her eye and, almost imperceptibly, shook his head. Her confusion mounting, Rachel kept silent.

"Well," Dr Weaver began, "I can tell you what's causing the fever. Some of these cuts are infected."

From where he stood, the doctor was blocking their view of Buck. Rachel stepped forward to see what he was talking about. He had pulled back the covers and opened Buck's shirt, gently removing it.

Though she had seen the wounds before, Rachel stared wide-eyed at the sight before her. It was only now she could comprehend how seriously hurt Buck was. Buck's chest and arms had several cuts. Some were very fresh, and at least two of them were badly infected; the skin around the cut an angry, swollen red.

Rachel quickly covered her mouth to stifle a cry. She stumbled slightly and would have fallen if Jimmy hadn't put a strong arm around her waist, holding her steady.

After carefully inspecting Buck's wounds, Doctor Weaver covered him up, pulling the quilts up to his chin.

"Those cuts are going to have to be cleaned and kept dry somehow. I'll leave some ointment with you that will help them heal more quickly. One of them should have been stitched but it's too late now." He looked at Teaspoon, a question in his eyes, and then continued with his instructions.

"I'll give him some laudanum for the fever. He's young, he should recover all right. I'll be back in the morning to check though. You've got to keep those wounds clean until they heal."

"Will do Doc. Appreciate you comin' out so late." Teaspoon put his hand on the other man's shoulder in a gesture of thanks.

"I'll just leave the ointment here, Miss Dunne..."

"Thank you Doctor." Rachel's voice was barely above a whisper, as she looked past him at Buck, lying unconscious on the bed.

Dr. Weaver prepared the laudanum dose, and after administering it, he explained to them how much more to give the next day. Then he let Teaspoon walk him out.

"Thank you again Dr. Weaver. We'll be lookin' for you in the morning."

"Are you sure this happened on an Express run Teaspoon?" the doctor asked.

"Yes sir. At least that was Buck's story when he got back today."

"That's very odd, because some of those cuts are nearly healed. At least a week old." Dr. Weaver looked the stationmaster in the eye for a long moment. Teaspoon never even blinked.

When he got back upstairs, Rachel met him in the doorway.

"Teaspoon, are you going to tell me what in God's name is going on here?" She spoke in loud whisper, trying to control her emotions and trying not to disturb Buck. Jimmy stood behind her, his eyes downcast. "And don't tell me that Buck got jumped on a run! Who did this? Why won't either of you tell me anything??"

"Now Rachel, just calm down." Teaspoon led her outside the bedroom into the hallway. Rachel was quiet, but she glared at both Teaspoon and Jimmy, her eyes demanding an answer. The two men looked at each other, at a loss as to how to explain this to her. Finally, Jimmy spoke. "You know how upset Buck's been since Ike..."

"Yes. Yes of course I do. I worry about him every day."

"He feels like it's his fault. Like maybe if he'd gotten there sooner, he could've saved Ike. I tried to tell him thinkin' that didn't do any good..." Jimmy's voice trailed off, not finishing the sentence. He cleared his throat, not sure he could go on with the explanation, and not sure what to say if he did.

"It's alright son. Take your time." Teaspoon put a reassuring hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

"About a month ago, I got in late from a run. When I was in the barn, I saw blood in Sampson's stall. I found some old, bloody bandages in there too. I didn't know what to make of it. I couldn't see how one of us could have got hurt and not told anyone else about it. I kept watchin' everybody to see what I could figure out. I snuck in there a couple more times and found more blood..."

Rachel listened, still confused by his story. What did this have to do with Buck's injuries?

"It seemed to me that whoever it was, I always missed him. I figured I needed to create an alibi and hide out the barn all the time. So I said that I was going to visit my sister. I hid in the stall next to Sampson..." Jimmy stopped, and looked at Teaspoon and Rachel. "I saw Buck come in to the barn, and he went into Sampson's stall. He took out his knife and..." Jimmy looked away, unable to finish.

Rachel stared at him in disbelief. What he was saying was so foreign to her that she couldn't seem to comprehend it.

"Do you mean to say that Buck... that he did this to himself?" Her voice broke as she finished the sentence.

Jimmy nodded. "I didn't know what to do...right up to then I didn't know who it was. Then when that happened, it all made sense, the way he's been lately." He turned to Teaspoon then, and tried to explain what had happened that night.

"I tried to talk to him...I told him this was crazy and asked him what the hell he thought he was doin'. At first he tried to deny it, then he just told me I wouldn't understand. Said it wouldn't make sense to a white man."

"Why would he hurt himself like that?" Rachel asked, tears in her voice.

"He said that it was a release. That it helped him forget." Jimmy bit his lip, not knowing what else to say. Should he going to tell Rachel and Teaspoon that Buck had begged him to pull the trigger? No, that wasn't a good idea. They were both worried sick already.

"What are we going to tell the other boys when they wake up?" Rachel asked, seeming to have calmed down a bit.

"What I told Weaver. That Buck got jumped on a run and didn't think that it was any serious until the wounds got infected."

"Teaspoon's right." Jimmy confirmed. "He kept it from us ever since Ike died. The fewer people that know, the better. Now lets try and break that fever." He concluded and went back into Buck's room.

After Jimmy had left, the two continued the conversation.

"Rachel, why don't you start breakfast. The others should be up any minute now." Teaspoon said softly, placing a hand on Rachel's shoulder. "I'll go check up on Buck and Jimmy."

"Yeah, I guess," Rachel whispered. The whole situation had put a damper on her usually cheery disposition.

Buck was sleeping peacefully now. The laudanum had done what it was supposed to do, but his fever was still high. Jimmy sat down on the chair and held the damp cloth to Buck's head.

"Now you just hafta decide that you're gonna live," he whispered.

Teaspoon stood by the door. Even though the situation wasn't good, he couldn't help but to smile at how grown up Jimmy had become over the past year. He liked to think that he, at least, played a small part in that.

"Why don't you get some sleep? You look like hell. I'll make sure that there's some breakfast left over for you." Teaspoon tried to take the cloth away from Jimmy, but he wouldn't give it up.

"No, I ain't leaving him."

"Jimmy," Teaspoon sighed. "You done all that you could. Buck is resting now. And you need to rest too."

"NO!" Jimmy raised his voice and Teaspoon backed off.

"Jimmy, though we all hope that Buck's gonna be fine," he took a pause, "but you can't save a person from themselves."

"So you're saying that he's gonna die?" Jimmy looked at Teaspoon in disbelief. "You've given up on him? Just 'cos he made a few mistakes?"

"Jimmy, that ain't what I'm saying. We all make bad choices every once in a while. What I'm saying is that Buck might have decided that he don't want to live. We have to be prepared for that."

"Well, he ain't gonna die. I'll make sure of that." Jimmy said firmly before he turned back to Buck.

Teaspoon left the room, knowing that eventually, Jimmy would understand.

"Where's Buck?" Cody asked as he sat down at the table. "He wasn't in the bunkhouse this morning."

Rachel looked at Teaspoon and Teaspoon looked at Rachel. Neither knew what to say.

"Well...?" Cody continued. Looking from one person to the other.

"Cody. Boys. Lou. Buck's sick." It's best to just get to the point than to row around like a fool. "He got jumped on a run. Fool didn't think that it was serious enough to see the doc until some of the cuts got infected. Jimmy's with him over at the main house as we speak. Buck's a strong boy, he'll make it through."

Teaspoon felt terrible about lying to them like that. But he knew that it was for the best that they didn't know. He carefully tried to read the expressions on everyone's faces. Even a blind man could tell that, though none said a peep, they all cared deeply about Buck.

Chapter 9.

Jimmy wondered what went through Buck's head right now. He didn't look troubled at all, but that was because of the laudanum. It wasn't really Buck that looked so peaceful, it was a drug that lessened the pain so that he could concentrate on fighting the infection.

Did Buck really want to fight the infection? Would Buck ever wake up again? Jimmy shook his head to rid himself of the thought. Thinking about the worst didn't help anything. But Weaver hadn't said the words - that Buck would be fine again. He had said that Buck was young and should recover alright. Should. Right now he hated that word. If he could, he would line it up against the wall and shoot the heck out of it. Yeah, that was just what he wanted to do.

Jimmy dreamt. Exhaustion had finally got to him and he had fallen asleep in the simple wooden chair next to the bed. He dreamt of fulfilling his wish to line should up against the wall and shooting the heck out of it. Then his mind started to wander to what would happen if Buck didn't make it. If the infection won. Was it that he wouldn't fight it and give in, or did he try to fight, but the infection was so much stronger than him? Those thoughts went through Jimmy's head as he stood next to the bed that contained Buck's dead body. The sheet that he was covered in was soaked with blood. Noah, Kid, Lou, Teaspoon, Rachel, Jesse and Cody stood next to him. They were all weeping over a lost friend.

"What do you mean?" Lou asked. "Why didn't he say something once the cut got infected?" If Kid hadn't gently held her back, she would have tilted the table over as she tried to stand up. Five pair of eyes looked at Teaspoon, waiting for an answer. Rachel searched her mind for something optimistic to say, but her brain seemed to have left her head.

Jesse was the one to break the silence. "Ain't Jimmy supposed to be with his sister or something?"

Teaspoon hadn't thought about that one. How could he have been so stupid not to think of a reason why Jimmy wasn't in Seneca? He was too wrapped up in hoping that Buck would make it through that he had forgotten that small detail.

"Jimmy was the one that found Buck and figured that his sister could wait."

"But the timei..." Jesse was about to ask why the timing didn't fit, but quickly shut his mouth when Noah kicked him under the table and gave him a stare that said; 'open your mouth and you'll find yourself dead.'

After everything had settled at the table, Rachel went to check on Jimmy and Buck. She was glad to find that they were both asleep. They both needed rest and lots of it. Gently, she wrapped a blanket around Jimmy and careful not to make any noise, she left the room.

The next few days went by in a haze. Everyone took turns keeping an eye on Buck and Weaver stopped by every second day. Jimmy stayed at Buck's bedside all the time.

Chapter 10

Last thing Buck remembered he was arguing with Jimmy about the cutting. Then he had blacked out. And there was a voice he couldn't identify telling him that he had to decide to live. Now he was in a warm and comfy bed, covered with blankets and there was at least two pillows supporting his head. It was nothing like the bunks in the bunkhouse. He could hear muffled voices, but they were to low too be recognized. Buck tried to look around, but his neck was stiff and just trying to move it proved to send flashes of pain through his body.

"Where...?" He managed to croak out, before his voice faded away.

"At Rachel's," he heard Jimmy say. He couldn't see him, but he was inside the room. "Want some water?" Jimmy asked.

Before Buck had a chance at answering he felt a glass being held to his lips. After drinking it his throat felt better.

"You sure know how to scare twenty years off of the people that care about ya," Jimmy smiled. Trying to make a joke out of it. Cheering Buck up a little. Lord knows he needed it.

Buck didn't say anything. He just stared at Jimmy with an unreadable expression.

"Jimmy?" Weaver asked as he entered the room. Jimmy took that as his cue to leave, but he stayed put. He hadn't left Buck's side in a week and he wasn't about go now.

With great care, Weaver removed the bandages and inspected Buck's arms. They looked better now. The infection was almost gone.

"You're one lucky man. I can tell you that much. That fever could easily have killed you."

Buck swallowed hard and avoided Weavers stare.

Chapter 11

As Weaver told me that I was lucky to even be alive I didn't know what to think. It was like he knew the truth. Maybe Jimmy had told him.

"Yeah, guess so." That was all I could answer. What else could I say?

"Buck, why didn't you come see me right after you were jumped?" Weaver asked.

"Didn't think it was that serious." I look down, avoiding his stare. He knows I'm lying through my teeth. I just know it.

"Not even when two of the cuts got infected?"

Oh no! What am I going to say? Think. Think! "I used some herbs and stuff that I had seen being used when I lived with the Kiowa." Don't know where the idea came from, but I can't tell if he believes me. With my luck... not a snowball's chance in Hell.

"You are one lucky man." Weaver repeats.

I don't feel all that lucky.

"Now I want you to call on me if the infection won't let go. That's an order. We on the same page?"

"Yes sir." I mutter, though I have a feeling that I don't think I mean it.

"Now make sure you eat something, 'right."

"Yes sir," I mutter again. I don't really feel that hungry though my stomach's disagreeing with me.

After Weaver had finished his business and left, Teaspoon entered the room.

"Jimmy, would you mind leaving the two of us alone for a minute?" Teaspoon asked. It wasn't really a question, but it wasn't 'get the hell out' either.

Jimmy, though he didn't really want to, left. He trusted Buck would be in good hands with Teaspoon.

Buck didn't look at Teaspoon. He focused hard on a spot on the wall. He knew that he had to face the music, but he didn't feel ready for it. He felt like he should have prepared a speech or something.

Teaspoon sat down on the chair next to the bed. He sighed and then took a deep breath.

"I'm really glad you made it through." The older man finally said. "You got us a little worried there for a while." Teaspoon nearly laughed in relief, but now was not the time for laughs.

Buck finally turned and looked at Teaspoon. Looked him straight in the eye. "Do they know... know the truth?" he croaked, his throat dry again.

Teaspoon got up to get another glass of water, talking as he performed the task.

"Only Jimmy, Rachel and me know. The rest think that you got jumped on a run." He held the glass as Buck drank.

Suddenly, Buck thought about his knife. Even before all this happened, it was something that he always had with him. Kind of like Jimmy and his gun, but different. The knife was a tie to his past, a reminder of who he was. He felt naked without it.

"Where's my knife?" he asked weakly.

Teaspoon looked him in the eye for a long moment, than sat down in the chair at the side of the bed.

"I have it. For safekeeping." That was all he said. What else was there to say?

There was a silence. Neither knew what to say. Teaspoon wished that he had been working on one of his patented speeches so that he could give one to Buck. Well, actually, he had. But it all seemed so trivial now. Like it didn't matter. For once, Teaspoon didn't know what to say.

Chapter 12

Jimmy looked at Buck. Ever since Buck had woken up, Jimmy spend every moment he could in Buck's room. Buck was still pale and lord knows he needed to gain some weight. But he was happy that Buck had made it through. They hadn't really talked. They just sat in silence. Jimmy felt guilty for not understanding everything sooner. He should have known that it was Buck's blood in the stall. In the aftermath it all made sense.

Everybody kept telling him to rest, but with nothing to do but lie in bed, all Buck could do was think.

Jimmy had stopped by whenever he could. They hadn't really talked. They just sat in silence. Jimmy made sure that Buck ate, that he rested, and that he was comfortable. In a way Buck was grateful for it. Someone actually cared about him. Well, he had to cherish it for as long as it lasted.

Buck thought about what he'd already done, and tried to figure out what to do next. After all the trouble this had caused, he'd probably lose his job. No matter that the others had been told he was hurt on a run. Teaspoon knew the truth, and Buck was sure that the older man would be disgusted by what he'd done.

He thought of himself as a Kiowa warrior, but these weren't the actions of a warrior. Hiding behind the ceremony of cutting, he'd acted like a coward. He knew that now. To make matters worse, as each of the other riders had come to check on him, expressing their relief that he was alright, he'd lied to them. He tried to say as little as possible, feigning loss of memory about what had happened, but that was a lie too.

Buck looked out the window at the setting sun, and his stomach rumbled with hunger. At least he had his appetite back and could eat now without getting sick. Physically he was healing, but his heart still ached with confusion and loneliness.

He looked at the mountain of dime novels that Cody had left for him. When he had got the most bored, he had tried reading one of them. But they all seemed so stupid. Like they had nothing to do with real life.

"Buck?" The sound of Teaspoon's voice brought Buck out of his reverie. He turned to see the stationmaster's head peeking around the door to the room.

"You feel like some company?" Teaspoon asked.

Buck nodded and Teaspoon came in, closing the door behind him. The two had not really spoken since Buck's fever had finally broken 3 days prior. This was the moment Buck had dreaded, but there was no avoiding it. He braced himself for the worst. He had tried to make some sort of speech up inside his head. But nothing he had to say seemed important.

As Teaspoon sat down next to the bed, he smiled. "You look better. Got some color back."

Buck nodded again. "I've been eating better. I hope I'll be able to get out of this room soon."

"I hope so too." Teaspoon confirmed.

An awkward silence followed, and it seemed neither man knew how to approach the other.

Finally, Teaspoon spoke, "You know son, you really scared the hell out of us."

Buck looked down at his hands on top of the quilt, silent. The scars gleamed at him like the markings of rivers on a map. He felt embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

Teaspoon continued, clearly not expecting a reply, "I'm just sorry that you didn't feel like you could come to me when...after Ike died. I knew you were hurtin'. Guess I didn't know how bad."

He watched Buck then, looking for a reaction, but the younger man still had his head bowed, his face hidden by long dark hair.

"I ain't gonna push you, but if you wanna talk, you know where to find me."

As he stood up to leave, Buck looked up at him.

"Are you gonna fire me?" he asked.

"What?" Of all the things Buck could have said, of all the things that he could have asked. This one came way out of left field and hit Teaspoon in the gut.

"Cause if you are, you should just do it now and get it over with. As soon as I'm well enough, I'll move on."

"Why would I fire you Buck?" Teaspoon sat back down in the chair.

"You know what I did." Buck looked away again, focusing on a spot on the wall in front of him. He was so sure that Teaspoon would fire him and he didn't really want to be in the room when he did.

"I ain't judging you Buck. The others might not understand it, that's one of the reasons they don't know. Figured it'll be easier on you that way. But I've been around Indians most of my life. I understand what cutting is."

Buck shook his head. "This wasn't ceremonial cutting Teaspoon. I tried to convince myself that it was but.... I've dishonored the Kiowa traditions with what I've done." Buck's voice was barely above a whisper now. His throat was constantly dry and he felt as if he was going to cry.

"I ain't gonna fire you, and I ain't mad at you. I just wish I could understand why you thought you had to go through this alone." Teaspoon saw a tear threatening to fall from Buck's long eyelashes. He fervently hoped that Buck would open up to him now, otherwise, he feared that the boy would never get past this.

Buck swallowed hard, still not looking at Teaspoon. When he blinked, he felt the tear run down his cheek.

"We all loved Ike, but I know he was a brother to you. What happened to him was a terrible thing, but there was nothin' you could've done to stop it. If you had got there ahead of him, we'd be mournin' you right now. Would you want Ike puttin' himself through the hell you've been in the last few months?"

"No." Buck's voice broke, and he felt another tear, following the first.

"You got a whole house full of people that care about you Buck. Jimmy's been sittin' in this chair every night for the past two weeks. He's barely slept in his own bed. He even put up a fight when Rachel ordered him to his own bed and get some sleep." Teaspoon chuckled at the last part. It had been the battle of the stubborner and stubborner.

Buck looked at Teaspoon then, and his eyes asked the question that he wasn't able to. He couldn't believe that Jimmy had stayed with him every day.

"And I'm gonna tell you something else." Teaspoon put his hand on Buck's arm in a gesture of comfort. "Buck, look at me." Teaspoon admonished as Buck tried to look away.

"If you were my own son, I couldn't feel anymore for you than I already do. All you boys are real important to me, and I'll do anything I can to help you whenever one of you is in trouble."

Listening to Teaspoon admit his feelings, Buck could no longer hold his own back. He began to cry, silently at first, his shoulders shaking. The man that he thought of as a father admitted that he looked upon him like a son. He'd never had a father before.

Teaspoon sat on the bed and put his arms around the younger man. Buck sobbed and held on, trying to draw strength from the man that had become a father to him.

"I'm sorry..." Buck said. "It hurts so bad..."

Teaspoon didn't answer, he sat quietly, letting Buck cry.

Some time later, Buck sat up. His head throbbed from crying, but somehow, he felt a little better.

"Has Jimmy really been here every night?" he asked.

"Just about. But any one of us would have been there for you Buck. We're your family. All you gotta do is reach out and we'll be there."

"That's what Jimmy said too... that we're family."

"Don't you believe that?" Teaspoon asked.

Buck sat for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "After my mother died, I didn't really have any family. Then I met Ike. And when he was gone, I was afraid." Buck hadn't really realized it until he said it out loud. He wasn't just feeling grief... but also fear.

"Afraid to be alone?"

"Yeah. Pretty ironic considering I've been alone most of my life." Buck smiled sadly then. "You know, it's funny...everybody always thought that because he couldn't talk, Ike needed me to take care of him. I think maybe he was the one who was taking care of me."

"Sounds to me like maybe you took care of each other. That's what family and friends are for, Buck."

"But when the waystation's sold, what's gonna happen then?"

Teaspoon didn't know what to answer to that. Over the last month he had been pondering that too. With the war coming and everything, what was going to happen to all of his boys?

"Right now, you just concentrate on getting better and then we'll worry about what's going to happen. Agreed?" Teaspoon reached out his right hand waited for Buck shake it. Buck looked a bit distant.

'We took care of each other. I like that. Best friends. This is my family and families take care of each other.' Buck thought. He looked up at Teaspoon who was holding out a hand to shake. With a weak hand, Buck shook it.

"Teaspoon will you stay here until I fall asleep?" Buck looked up at the man he considered a father as he yawned.

"Yes, I will." Teaspoon smiled as he tucked Buck in. "You just rest. Tomorrow is a new day."

"Thank you," Buck mumbled. "Father." With that Buck closed his tired eyes and was soon asleep.

Teaspoon sat and watched as Buck fell to sleep. He wasn't sure if he had heard correctly, but it warmed his heart just the same.

Chapter 13.

As Jimmy walked into the bunkhouse, he saw Buck kneeling at the foot of his bunk, going through his trunk. The trunk contained everything that Jimmy had in the world. Normally, he would have flattened anyone who dared to go through his belongings uninvited, but given the circumstances, he decided to make an exception.

"Find what you're lookin' for?" he asked casually, leaning against the doorjamb.

"Where is it?" Buck demanded, glancing angrily over his shoulder at Jimmy.

"It ain't in there." Jimmy answered, his tone sounding slightly amused.

Buck continued to rifle through Jimmy's possessions, growing more frantic by the second.

"Jimmy..." He looked up at Jimmy again, his eyes as black as coal. "You'd better..." Just then, his eyes went wide, as he felt the hilt of the knife under his palm. Grasping it firmly, he pulled it from the bottom of the trunk.

"So now you're a liar as well as a thief?" Buck asked accusingly, holding up the knife for Jimmy to see.

"I ain't a thief." He answered evenly, walking toward his bunk.

Buck stood up and backed away from him, still holding the knife. Jimmy was the one kneeling down now, putting everything back where it belonged.

"You made this mess," he observed, "you just gonna stand there or are you gonna help me clean it up?" Neither of them noticed Kid and Lou coming through the door of the bunkhouse, with Cody close behind.

"Teaspoon said you got this from him two weeks ago!" Buck accused Jimmy.

"So?" Jimmy's nonchalant tone infuriated Buck.

"So you knew I was lookin' for it. You had no right to keep it from me!"

Jimmy looked up at Buck, and the look on his face was enough to make Buck back up another step.

"No right?" he stood up slowly, never taking his eyes off of Buck's face. "I sat up with you night and day, for two weeks... waiting for that fever to break, wondering if you'd ever wake up, all because of that damned knife! I reckon I got more right to it than anybody!!"

They stood nose-to-nose now, and both of them jumped when Cody spoke up.

"What's he talkin' about Buck?"

"Cody, hush!" Lou scolded. The other three riders were still standing in the doorway, feeling like they had intruded on a very personal conversation.

"That knife is very important to me Jimmy." Buck continued on, as if there was no one else there but the two of them.

"I used it in my first buffalo hunt. It belonged to my grandfather."

Jimmy looked intently at Buck. "Well I wonder how your grandfather would feel if he knew what you were usin' it for now?"

At that remark, Buck shoved Jimmy against the wall, and put his forearm across Jimmy's throat. Kid was behind Buck immediately, pulling him off of Jimmy.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kid asked, looking at Buck as though he'd lost his mind.

Jimmy coughed as his shook off the effects of Buck's attack.

"It's alright Kid. At least now he's got some of his fight back." Jimmy said with his trademark lopsided grin. That grin that was sometimes endearing, and sometimes very hard to read.

"I ain't gonna do anything with it Jimmy!" Buck insisted.

"I don't believe you!" Jimmy shot back.

Noah and Jesse had heard the shouting, and now they joined everyone else in the doorway.

"You believe what you want. I'm telling you, nothing is going to happen." Buck looked Jimmy in the eye and Jimmy stared back.

"Trust me." Buck pleaded.

Jimmy snorted at that. "Trust you? You mean like you trusted us?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't trust any of us, Buck, otherwise you wouldn't have done what you did. You would have gone to somebody. You wouldn't have done..." his voice trailed off.

"Done what?" Kid asked.

"I told you you'd never understand why I did it!"

"Don't start in on any of that Indian stuff, 'cause I ain't buyin' it! You didn't feel like you could come to one of us about it? You didn't trust us enough to know that we'd be there for you, like we always have been..."

"I was in pain Jimmy. I didn't know what to do!" Buck's face looked drained now, as if going over all this again had cost him something.

Jimmy wondered if he had pushed the issue too far, but he was hurting too, and he was sick and tired of this whole thing.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?" Kid finally demanded. They were all thoroughly confused by this conversation, and Kid could take no more.

Buck and Jimmy both looked at the rest of them. After what seemed like the longest few seconds he had ever endured, Buck spoke.

"I didn't get jumped on a run."

"What?" Noah and Lou asked in unison. Why would Buck lie to them?

Buck pulled up the sleeves of his shirt so they could see the scares on his arms. The pale stripes stood out on contrast to his otherwise dark skin.

"I did this."

All of them stared at him now, wide-eyed with shock. Lou put a hand over her mouth to stifle the gasp that came out.

"Why?" Kid asked, genuine concern in his voice. But there was also an element of surprise in there as well.

"Because of Ike. I could have saved him if I'd gotten there sooner, but I didn't." Buck looked down on the floor.

Jimmy was silent. No one else knew what to say either.

After what seemed like a forever to everyone present, Buck looked each one of them in the eye.

"So, now you know the truth. Besides being a half-breed, I'm also crazy."

Buck smiled sadly at that remark, and when he was greeted with silence, he pushed his way through the small crowd at the doorway, and walked toward the barn. Soon he would be on his horse, riding away from them all as fast as he could.

Inside the bunkhouse, Jimmy sat on his bunk with the sigh. He chuckled slightly when he saw the knife, still lying there on his bed. After all that, Buck had left without it.

"Is that true Jimmy?" Noah asked.

"What's true?"

"Did Buck do that to himself?"

"That's what he said, ain't it?" Jimmy spat half-sarcastically.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kid asked

"Cause it ain't nobody else's business."

"Well you could've told us Jimmy!" Kid's tone was getting a bit too self-righteous now.

"Why? So you all could ask me a million questions that I couldn't answer? So you could give Buck some 'good advice' on how to get through this? I figured the fewer of you that knew the better." He gestured to no one in particular.

"Maybe we could've helped you, Jimmy. So you didn't have to deal with it alone." Lou offered.

"Teaspoon and Rachel knew too." Jimmy bit his lip.

"Man," Cody observed, "what a mess."

"I still think you should've said somethin'," Kid said.

Jimmy looked up at The Kid, tired of being second-guessed.

"What should I have said Kid? Why don't you tell me what I should've done, and how I should've handled the situation, since you obviously would have done a much better job." His mocking tone of voice had Kid red-faced and staring the floor.

"He was only trying to help, Jimmy," Lou said, quietly

"He's right Lou." Kid admitted, then he looked at his friend. "I'm sorry, I guess this whole thing has me feeling kind of helpless."

"Yeah? Join the club."

Jimmy, after putting all his belongings back in the trunk, sat down on the bunk. He sighed deeply, trying to clear his head. He knew that the knife belonged to Buck, but he was afraid that if he gave it back that Buck might start cutting again.

Getting out of there. That was all I could think of. Just getting out. I didn't know what was happening to me. I tried to choke Jimmy. And I didn't even think, I just went for his throat. He must really hate me now.

Chapter 14.

Nobody really looked at each other. Not knowing what was going through their own heads, they didn't want to try and read what went on in anybody else's. They all knew that Buck hadn't had it easy after Ike's death, but this. This was just too much to process all at once.

"Jimmy," Lou sat down next to Jimmy, "you took the knife because you care about Buck, didn't ya?"

Jimmy looked up at her and smiled. "Thanks for not accusing me of keeping something from ya."

"You should be proud of yourself for caring so much about Buck since..." her voice trailed off. "But you can't baby-sit him. If he truly wants to hurt himself, then he's gonna find a way. Even if we watch him day and night, he's gonna find a way."

"It's just that ever since that night that I caught him, you know. We just lost Ike and I don't want to lose Buck too."

"Why don't you tell him that." Lou gave him a quick hug and they both got up.

Jimmy had searched the entire station up and down for Buck, but there was no sign of him. His horse was missing, but still Jimmy hoped that Buck would still be at the station.

After searching high and low, Jimmy saddled Sundance, wondering where Buck might be headed. He had a pretty good idea though.

Jimmy entered the field. It was the field where they had burned Ike's body. As long as he lived, he would never forget the smells of that day. He decided that Sundance needed a breather. He had been riding her too hard. And he needed to think.

He found himself in the exact same spot that they had held the pyre. Jimmy bit his lip. The images were still fresh in mind.

"Buck," Jimmy said, as he closed in on Buck.

Buck turned to look at Jimmy. It was obvious that he had been crying.

"Mind if I join ya?" Jimmy didn't wait for an answer, but sat down next to Buck.

Neither said anything for a long time. "I'm sorry for trying to choke you," Buck stammered.

"Just don't make a habit of it," Jimmy smiled.

"But..." Buck began, but Jimmy cut him short.

"I said, don't worry about it," Jimmy smiled again.

Then there was that silence again.

"Buck, I want you to know the reason why I hid the knife from you. I was scared. We just lost Ike and I don't think that none of us could take it if... if you died too."

"I'm sorry for scaring you." Buck looked down, not wanting to look Jimmy in the eye. Hearing Jimmy say that made him feel ashamed of himself. He saw things from Jimmy's point of view now. It took a lot from Jimmy to admit exactly how he felt about things. Buck knew that. He must have scared Jimmy pretty bad

Jimmy took the knife out of his boot and gave it to Buck. He wasn't sure what was going to happen next, but he had to trust Buck with the knife. Buck needed to feel trusted. Otherwise, he didn't even want to think what might happen to him.

Buck took the knife that Jimmy had given him and traced the contours of the blade with his thumb. He looked out on the prairie, his face as inscrutable as ever.

"Buck, I understand how much that knife means to you, and I'm gonna give it back."

Buck looked at Jimmy in anticipation.

"But there's one condition. You have to promise me that you ain't gonna cut again. If you do..." Jimmy paused. "I can't be held responsible for what I might do."

Why's Jimmy giving me the knife back? I don't deserve it. I've been lying. I've been disrespectful to the Kiowa. I don't deserve it. It doesn't feel like the knife that I was given the summer I turned twelve. This one feels much heavier. But I know that it's the same knife. The markings on it are the same, but it's different. Because I'm different now.

Buck took the knife, but he didn't say anything.

"Why did you tell them?" Jimmy asked him.

Buck shrugged and looked back at Jimmy. "I was tired of lying about it, I guess. They'd all find out eventually anyway. This way I could have a say about when it happened."

Jimmy nodded. That made sense.

"Feel better now?" he glanced at Buck, who was still looking straight ahead.

"Yeah. A little." Buck paused before speaking again. "What'd they say?"

"Nothin'. They're just worried about you. Kid was a little mad at me for not sayin' anything. You know how he likes to be in the middle of everything." Buck almost smiled at Jimmy's remark, then his eyes changed again.

"Jimmy, what do you think Ike would be doin' now, if..."

"If he were still alive?" Buck nodded, relieved that he didn't have to finish the sentence himself. "I reckon he'd still be ridin' with us." Jimmy thought for a moment then laughed to himself. "He'd be makin' us sit still for those damned drawings....and he'd be married to Emily."

"Yeah. I kinda thought that too."

"Today's Ike's birthday."

"It is?" Jimmy looked at Buck in surprise. "I knew it was comin' up soon, but I didn't know it was today."

"He would have been eighteen."

Jimmy sat silent for a few moments, trying to think of way to comfort Buck. He knew today was an especially difficult for Ike's closest friend. In a way he could understand that Buck was looking for his knife today.

"Remember how Ike used to love sarsaparilla?"

"Yeah, he did." Buck smiled, thinking of his friend.

"All this talkin's making me pretty thirsty. What do you say we go have a couple and wish him Happy Birthday?"

"At the saloon?" Buck nearly choked at Jimmy's proposal.

Jimmy put a hand on Buck's shoulder. "I know you haven't been there since...since it happened, but wouldn't this be a better memory to have of the place?"

"I can't forget what happened there, Jimmy."

"I ain't askin' you to forget Buck, but I think this might be a good thing to do." Buck still looked very unsure. "I know you're tired of hearin' this, but you gotta move on. Ike wouldn't want you to mourn him the rest of your life."

Buck knew Jimmy was right. He had begun to realize that if he had been the one to die in Ike's place, he would never want Ike to suffer the guilt and pain that he had been living with the past few months.

"Jimmy, can you do somethin' for me?"

"What's that?"

"Do you think you could keep this for me a little longer?" Buck held the knife out for Jimmy.

Jimmy's brows knotted in concern. "But I thought..."

"I don't think 'm ready to take it back yet." Buck explained. "Jimmy, the reason why I was looking for the knife today, I felt weak. I'm not ready to have it back. Not yet anyway. You keep it safe until I'm ready. I've taken the cutting too far. The way I've been doing it, it's not the way that it's supposed to be done. I don't deserve it."

"Yes, you do. I trust you."

Jimmy took the knife as he saw the determination in Buck's eye. "You sure?"

"Yeah." Buck nodded.

Jimmy slipped the knife back into his boot and stood up slowly. "How 'bout that sarsaparilla?"

Buck looked up at Jimmy, squinting into the sun.

"I'm buyin'," Jimmy smiled.

"Well," Buck answered, "I guess that's an offer I can't refuse."

As they mounted up to go into town, Buck watched Jimmy.

"What?" Jimmy asked, feeling Buck's eyes on him.

"You're a good friend Jimmy Hickok."

"Yeah? Well don't let that get around. I got a reputation to keep up." He grinned wickedly.

Buck laughed out loud, and Jimmy laughed too. For the first time in a long time Jimmy felt hopeful about the future.

Chapter 15.

I swallow hard as I enter the saloon. The one place that I never thought that I'd set foot ever again. But here I am about to drink sarsaparilla and celebrate Ike's birthday. Jimmy gives me a reassuring smile, like he's telling me that things are gonna be alright. I meant what I said an hour ago; Jimmy truly is a good friend. At first I thought that he was crazy, but in retrospect I'm taking that back.

"To Ike," Buck said and raised his jar. Jimmy followed suit and said, "To Ike."

After sharing good memories about Ike, the conversation tuned to more serious matters.

"Jimmy, what are you going to do when it ends?" Buck asked. They both knew that the express were coming to an end and that there was no avoiding it.

"Don't know. I've been thinking about visiting my sister. I haven't seen her since Kansas. Rosemary says she has a son now." There was a great pride in his voice as he said the last part.

Buck smiled back at him. "You should go see her and your nephew," he smiled. But there was a great sadness in his eyes.

"Why don't you come along?" Jimmy asked. "I'm sure Celinda and Nathan wouldn't mind. Nathan and me will probably never see eye to eye. Then again, I might just be a little overprotective when it comes to my sister, but he's a good man."

"It's your family." Buck muttered, looking down into his half empty jar.

"And you're my family too." Jimmy said firmly, placing his empty jar on the table with a thump to emphasize his point.

"Thanks," Buck sincerely said, "but Celinda ain't my sister."

"Then come along as a friend of mine."

"Thanks Jimmy." Buck smiled. "But I don't think so."

Chapter 16.

"Where on earth have you two been?" Rachel scolded as Buck and Jimmy were about to take their horses into the barn. "We've all been worried half to death about you!"

"We're both fine." Jimmy smiled as he was about to be squashed by Rachel's hug. "We just talked, that's all." Jimmy decided to leave out the part about being at the saloon. He didn't want to scare ten years off her life. It seemed like he and Buck had already done that once today, and once was enough.

"Well supper's almost ready and you two are going to eat like you've never eaten before." Rachel said sternly as she released them both from her hug.

"Yes ma'am," came from both Jimmy and Buck as two stomachs grumbled in agreement.

Everyone had just sat down to eat supper as Noah entered the bunkhouse.

"Hey Jimmy, got a letter for ya. Picked it up in Seneca."

He tossed the letter to Jimmy, as he sat down in his designated seat.

"It's from Celinda." Jimmy smiled. He had once said that he had two sisters and that was two too many, but truth is that he loved they drove him crazy, he loved them both.

"How's that baby boy? They got a name for him yet?" Rachel asked as she put a pan of potatoes on the table.

Jimmy didn't answer the question. He read the short letter, then read it again, thinking it must be a mistake. Then he read it again. His reading had never been much to brag about, but he hadn't been reading it wrong. When he looked up at everyone all the color had drained from his face.

"Jimmy...what is it?" Lou asked immediately.

"What's wrong Jimmy?" Buck asked, as a feeling of dread made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "Is Celinda alright?"

Jimmy looked at them all and answered slowly. "No... Nathan's been killed. Bushwhackers."

He glanced down at the letter again, hoping against hope that the words would change if he kept rereading them.

"When?" Teaspoon asked from his place at the head of the table.

"Two weeks ago... I gotta go to Seneca, Teaspoon." Jimmy stood up, "I gotta go NOW."

"You need someone to ride with you?" Kid asked.

"I'll go." Buck stood up then, ready to leave if need be.

"That'd only slow me down." Jimmy was already throwing some clothes in a saddlebag as the others tried to absorb this latest bit of bad news.

Teaspoon followed Jimmy out the door and toward the stables. "Now you be careful Jimmy. I know you wanna get there as soon as you can, but don't do anything stupid."

"I'm sorry Teaspoon, I know this ain't the best timing but..."

The old man waved his hand in dismissal. "Ain't nothin' goin' on here but tyin' up loose ends."

"I'll be back for the rest of my stuff as soon as I can."

When Jimmy emerged from the barn with his horse, everyone was gathered outside to see him off.

"I packed you some food for the trip". Rachel said, handing him a small bundle and giving him a quick hug. She didn't look him in the eye, because she didn't want to cry.

"Thanks...I don't do goodbyes, so..." Jimmy looked at everyone and then he looked at the ground.

"I'd still feel better if one of us was goin' with ya." Kid commented.

"We can't leave Teaspoon that short-handed. Besides, you know me, I'll be fine," Jimmy smiled, and swallowed the lump in his throat. Seeing them all there, he wondered if this would be the last time they would all be together.

Noah held out his hand to Jimmy and Jimmy took it. "Ride safe Hickok. We'll see you soon."

"You are comin' back, right?" Jesse asked.

"Are you gonna be any less annoying when I get back?" Jimmy winked at the boy, who often drove him to distraction. Now he stood there, looking so young and unsure of himself.

"If you can't come back, you'd better send word." Cody instructed him. That's when Jimmy saw that Lou had tears streaming down her face.

"Don't cry Lou, I'm not leavin' forever." He placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I know." Lou hiccupped "It's just....ever since Ike died, it seems like everything's just gone to hell!" She wiped at her eyes and tried to stop crying. Then, she realized what she'd said. "I'm sorry Buck...I didn't mean it come out like that."

Standing next to her, Buck put an arm around her shoulder. "It's alright Lou. It's true."

"I guess it's the wedding's got me all emotional. Now the waystation's gonna be sold, and you all are the only family I've got. I don't want to lose any more of you." She leaned against The Kid, giving in to her feelings and crying.

Jimmy walked over and put his arms around Lou, giving her a tight hug. "I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world." He whispered to her. "You can count on that."

Then Jimmy looked at Buck, and a new worry intruded on his thoughts. What would Buck do while he was gone? He thought about their recent conversation, and Buck's urge to move on.

"You gonna be alright?" It was all he could think of to day.

Buck smiled. "Stop worryin' about me Hickok. You need to take care of your sister...and your nephew."

Jimmy didn't say anything, he just looked Buck in the eye, waiting for his answer.

"I'll be here when you get back. Just stay out of trouble."

"Who? Me?" Jimmy smiled again.

As he mounted his horse, Teaspoon held on to the reins for him.

"We'll be waitin' to hear from you Jimmy. Ride safe."

Now Jimmy has left too. I know that he will come back because he promised Lou. Jimmy's not one to take back a promise. I made him a promise too, and I intend to keep it.

Chapter 17.

Jimmy rode into Seneca at full speed. Sweat stung his eyes and the dust seemed glued to his body. He had been riding hard since morning and it was now midday. He reined Sundance in as he reached the center of the town. Even though he was in a hurry, there was no need to whip up a storm by accidentally riding someone down.

As he trotted through town, he got a chance to take in some of the surroundings. Besides getting a little bigger, the town hadn't really changed at all. There were still the small shops along main street: the dress shop, the general store, the blacksmith. Even Hanson, the half-crazed inventor, still had his little shop. It had been there for as far back as Jimmy could remember. Fond memories of him and his sisters spending time in that shop with his sister, while their mother was in the general store. Those times were some of the only good memories from his childhood. There had been many loud debates about what everything was and what use it had. It never bothered Hanson though, he seemed to enjoy having the Hickok children debating and questioning every last one of his inventions. Jimmy couldn't help but to smile as he passed the small shop aptly named Hanson's Thingamajigs And Other Stuff. The man had humor - that was for sure. But he shook it off as he remembered why he was here in the first place. He was here because Nathan was dead.

He had never seen eye to eye with Nathan, but he was his brother in-law and now his sister needed help. Jimmy shook off all his own feelings as he rode into the yard of his childhood home.

Just as he had dismounted Sundance he was nearly attacked by Celinda.

"I'm so glad you came." Celinda sobbed into her brothers chest.

"I left the minute I got the letter. I'm here now." Jimmy held his sister tight. They stood like that for what seemed like an eternity until a child's hungry wail interrupted them.

Celinda let go of Jimmy and went into the house to feed the waiting baby. Jimmy turned to the barn to let Sundance have a rest and some hay. He knew he had been riding the poor animal too hard.

Jimmy walked into the small house. He hadn't been there since the slave traders captured Noah and he had to free him. "Celinda?" He called.

"In here," Celinda answered.

Jimmy entered the nursery, what used to be his old room, and smiled at his sister burping her son. The baby let out a glass-shattering wail as the burp refused to come. Celinda continued to pat the baby on the back while whispering soothing words in to his ear.

"Want me to try?" Jimmy asked as the young one didn't burp. And Celinda looked like she hadn't slept in a few weeks, which Jimmy was pretty sure was the truth.

Finding that Jimmy was standing right behind them startled Celinda. "Don't you dare sneak up on me like that again!" she scolded, looking about ready to faint.

"I'm sorry." Jimmy looked at the floor. Then he looked up again.

"I'll show ya how to do it." Celinda's mood had just gone from hopping mad to sweet and kind. Not surprising, considering all that she had been through in the past few weeks. She motioned for Jimmy to enter the room completely.

Jimmy was sitting in the rocking chair wondering what on earth he had gotten himself into as Celinda handed him the baby. But Celinda needed to rest and he was the only one there to give her a break.

"Be careful to support the head," she advised as she reluctantly let go.

Jimmy held the young one with trembling hands. He was completely responsible for another human being. And that thought scared him to death. Gently, he laid the baby on his shoulder and stroked his back like Celinda had shown him. After a while, he got more comfortable with the situation. Jimmy's hands weren't trembling any more.

Smoothly he stroked the baby's back, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He didn't know any songs, but he guessed that it didn't matter. As long as his tone of voice was soothing, it wouldn't matter if he read aloud from one of Cody's dime novels.

He felt the baby tense up, before releasing a loud and grateful burp. "See, now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Jimmy felt like he had just done something great, and by all means he had. It was a big change from the time that he had tried to give a baby spurs to play with. With great pride he looked to his sister who had fallen asleep sitting on the small trunk next to the cradle.

Carefully, minding to support the head, Jimmy laid the young boy in his cradle. He stopped as he was about to put the blanket over him. It was the blanket that Rachel had knitted. One side pink and the other side blue so it wouldn't matter if it was a boy or a girl. The embroidering on the left corner read James. Jimmy had never been so proud in his entire life. In the cradle was also the little stuffed bear that used to be his. The bear that had been at the very bottom of his trunk wrapped in an old shirt so that the others wouldn't find it. If they did, they wouldn't ever stop teasing him about it. When he was a kid, he used to carry that bear everywhere. Even had a name for him - Ear. Mostly because he couldn't pronounce Bear.

Shrugging, he turned to his sister. Jimmy scooped her up and carried her to her own bedroom thinking that she would be much more comfortable there.

Chapter 18

Buck sat on the corral fence, thinking about nothing in particular. Jimmy had left a week ago, and now Buck was beginning to feel a little lonely. It seemed that since he'd been found out, he and Jimmy had grown even closer, while at the same time, he had distanced himself more and more from the others.

Against all his expectations, the others didn't act as though they thought about him any different than they had before he'd told the truth. Lou had given him a lecture about scaring the life out of her, and then she had hugged him. Buck had to chuckle at how mad she had got and then she had thanked him for being honest with them.

"Hey Buck!" Buck snapped out of his musings at the sound of Cody's voice. "Wanna help me muck out the stables and then go to the swimmin' hole afterwards?"

"Sure," Buck answered, well aware of that he would be the one doing most of the work.

While working Buck got to thinking that they would look at his scars with disgust. How could they not, knowing what he'd done by his own hand?

"Buck? You there?" Cody shook his hand in front of Buck's face to check that he was still there.

"Huh?"

"Are you ready or are ya gonna stand there the rest of the day. C'mon, it's a beautiful day."

"Yeah, I'm coming."

Cody, Noah and Kid walked towards the small pond laughing and joking. Buck kept three steps behind the others, pretending to not have a care in the world. Actually, now he couldn't believe that he had willingly agreed to go swimming.

Buck tried to shake off his feeling of apprehension as they arrived at the pond.

He looked at his three friends, who were already making a beeline for the water.

"Well, this is it." He thought to himself. "Guess this'll prove how they really feel about me."

Warily, Buck removed his shirt and trousers, watching everyone else's faces, trying to gauge their reactions. To his amazement, no one paid him any special attention. No funny stares. At least not yet.

Even more warily, Buck made his way towards the inviting water. Kid, Cody and Noah seemed too involved in the developing water fight to notice him.

The water now reached to his knees. It felt cold and the sand brushed across his toes.

"You gonna stand there like a woman, or are ya gonna join in?" Cody chimed, just before both Noah and Kid splashed water in his face.

'It's now or never...' Buck thought before he joined in on drenching Cody.

After a few minutes, he realized that he was relaxed, smiling and laughing, just like the rest of them. It felt good to have fun.

Jimmy had given up trying to get some sleep. His old bed, well, it was meant for a twelve year old, not a full-grown man. Nobody had moved it from where it stood when he left, and that way he could keep an eye on the baby at the same time.

If he stretched out, everything below the knee dangled outside the bed. And if he pulled his legs up under him, he felt like he couldn't breathe properly.

James seemed to be happily asleep as Jimmy could hear small snores coming from the cradle.

Teaspoon was making his way to the bunkhouse for lunch when he saw the boys coming in his direction. They were all in a good mood, joking and laughing. Even Buck. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen that boy smiling, and he suddenly felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

"Did we miss lunch Teaspoon?" Cody asked, as they got nearer.

"Just headed there myself boys. What's got all of you in such good spirits?"

"Just a little water fight." Noah chuckled.

Cody sneered at him. "Little? They tried to drown me!"

As the others passed by him to go inside, Teaspoon put an arm around Buck and slowed him down. "Buck, you got time for a talk?"

"Sure Teaspoon," Buck smiled. He hadn't been so happy since, well, he couldn't think of the last time he was as good as he did right now.

"You sure seem happy." Teaspoon smiled.

"Yeah. It's a good day. I was really worried that when the guys saw the scars, they would look at me differently. But they didn't. Guess I'm just relieved."

"It took a lot of guts telling the truth," Teaspoon spoke, "I'm proud of ya."

"Thanks." Buck blushed at the praise.

Then the conversation became serious again. "Guess we all know that the express is going to end soon..."

Buck took a deep breath. He had thought about taking Jimmy up on his offer. Get a change of scenery, but due to the latest circumstances, he wasn't so sure that it was a good idea.

"...And I don't know if you have anything planned, but if you want to I'd be happy to have you work as a full time deputy." Teaspoon looked at Buck in anticipation, silently hoping that Buck would accept.

"Me?" Buck was taken aback. Despite Barnett's coffee, he'd enjoyed the times that Teaspoon had deputized him, but in the last few weeks, he hadn't been focused on much of anything but his pain. He hadn't expected to keep his job at the station, much less be offered a better one.

"Teaspoon, thanks for the offer, but I don't know..." Teaspoon cut him off before he had a chance to continue.

"Don't sell yourself short Buck. You've had some problems, that's true. But you're still the best tracker in the territory, and you've got a level head, which is more than I can say for some of your cohorts in the bunkhouse." Teaspoon winked.

"Before we found out that Nathan was killed Jimmy asked me if I wanted to come along with him to Seneca. He was planning on seeing his sister after the express ended anyway. But now I don't know - with Nathan being gone... It changes things."

Teaspoon nodded knowingly. "That's not a bad idea. Might keep Jimmy outta trouble to have you along."

"I was thinking it might be good for me to get a change of scenery too. Get away from some memories."

"Well...why don't you just wait and see. This job's not goin' anywhere. If you decide to stay, it's yours." With that, the older man turned to go into the bunkhouse. "Let's get some lunch, I'm starvin'!"

Buck sat at the table resting his head in the palm of his hand. There wasn't much to do around the station any more, other than chores that is. There were no more rides to make, not that he had been on any in a while. "Thanks Rachel. There's not much to do around here nowadays anyway. Might as well enjoy the sun." Buck smiled back at Rachel before he headed for the door. Get out of the station and clear his head. Buck thought that was a good idea as well. It might do him some good. Anything was better than sulking around the station with nothing to do.

As Buck entered the barn the familiar smell of horses and hay blended in his nose. Other than the water fight, he hadn't really enjoyed himself lately. There had been too much going on to really breathe; Kid and Lou had their wedding coming up. Tying up the lose ends around the station. There wasn't much else going on.

Chapter 19.

Buck saddled Warrior and in a slow trot, he went back to the swimming hole. He sat on the bank, and he could almost see Ike sitting on the log across from him, as he had so many times. A small smile appeared on Buck's face.

He was torn. In the last couple of weeks he'd found that he felt so much better. He was almost afraid to admit that he felt like "himself" again. He was still adjusting to life without his best friend, but it was getting easier. Now he had opportunities that he never thought would come his way. Should he stay in Rock Creek? The thought of working with Teaspoon, and living near Kid and Lou was appealing, and somehow it felt safe.

But there were still memories of Ike everywhere, and every time he walked down the main street in town, he couldn't help but let his eyes stray to the saloon. True, he had had that sarsaparilla there with Jimmy, and that was a good memory. But Ike's bloody chest - it was imprinted in his mind's eye forever.

If he went with Jimmy to Seneca, maybe he could get a fresh start. A chance to make some new memories.

Still. the thought of leaving this place was frightening. This had been more of a "home" for him than any place he'd been since he was a boy. These people had become his family and his life.

And he didn't know how the good people of Seneca would react to an Indian staying out at the Hickok farm. Jimmy would be the first in line to give anyone who disrespected him a piece of his mind. And Buck appreciated that. Jimmy had even stood up for him when Tompkins tried to toss him out and called him names.

As Buck sat and pondered these things, the sun slowly disappeared behind him.

Something told him that when the time was right, he'd know what to do.

Jimmy looked down at the small child in the cradle. He was happily asleep and totally unaware of everything that was going on around him. In a strange way, he felt sorry for the young one; James would never get to know who his father was. Jimmy pushed that thought aside , and taking advantage of the fact that James was a happy camper, Jimmy went to get himself some coffee.

He stopped outside Celinda's room. He should check if she was doing fine, but he didn't want to wake her. Slowly he opened the door and winched as it creaked. The last thing he wanted to do was to disturb her.

Jimmy peeked in. As long as the door was open, he might as well check on her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Jimmy was about to turn and leave when he heard Celinda crying.

He entered the room and sat next to Celinda on the bed. He put an arm around her and let her weep on his shoulder.

"It's gonna be alright." He said, trying to reassure her.

"No it's not." she cried. "Nathan's gone Jimmy! What am I gonna do?"

Celinda sat up and wiped eyes. They were swollen from crying and lack of sleep. "I've got a house to keep and a farm to run and..." She couldn't go on. She was overwhelmed by the tasks that loomed before her.

"I'm here, Celinda. We'll get through it."

"I'm sure this is not how you planned to spend the rest of your life."

"To tell you the truth, I ain't even planned tomorrow...I'm just taking everything day to day." Jimmy smiled at her, but that didn't seem to help.

"I'm so tired Jimmy...all I can think about is Nathan, and then I worry about baby James, and there's so much to be done."

Jimmy hugged her close and spoke softly to her, trying to calm her down. "I know you're tired Celinda, and I know you ain't had a chance to grieve Nathan, but you've got to keep your strength up for that baby. "

"I know."

"Why don't I fix you somethin' to eat..."

"I can't eat anything." She cut him off, and Jimmy looked at her sternly.

"You've got to eat. If you will just eat a little bit and try to get some rest while he's asleep, I'll take care of everything else."

"There's laundry, and..."

Jimmy put a hand up to silence her as he got up from the bed. "I've got it all under control."

Celinda smiled and the tension in her face seemed to relax just slightly. "I'm so glad you're here." She told him again.

Jimmy was in town to buy some supplies that was needed for the farm. Celinda had eaten a good meal and seemed to be in slightly better spirits, so he felt confident he could leave her alone for a bit.

Thinking about their earlier conversation, Jimmy hoped that he had put her at ease, but the truth was, he had no plan, and very little idea how he was going to manage all this. He shook his head to clear it, and took a deep breath of fresh air. Before he reached the general store, he stopped outside Hanson's Thingamajigs. Since he was in town, he might as well drop in on his old friend and get to know what was happening in town.

The store looked about the same as it always had. There were new inventions of course. And there was a new brood of siblings debating them. As always, Hanson was behind the counter smiling at the children, laughing softly when they were too far off in guessing what use the invention had.

"James Hickok! I don't believe it! The last time I saw you, you were but four feet tall!" Hanson was older, but as spry as ever. He jumped up from behind the counter. The sudden movement startled the children and they nearly knocked over a table.

"I see that tradition still stands." Jimmy gestured towards the children who had turned their attention back to the debate.

"Yep. Always has. Always will." Hanson smiled and shook his head. "It seems like it was just yesterday that the three of you were about ready to tear each others heads off. Now there's a new generation of siblings doing the exact same thing."

"Yeah, we had a lot of fun back then." Jimmy sighed.

"Speaking of siblings, how's Celinda holding up?" Hanson turned the conversation to more serious matters.

"Not good. She's barely eating and the baby's keeping her up all night. I've been here for two days and she's only slept for three hours. Besides that, there's the farm to run." Jimmy felt exhausted after saying it out loud. Truth was, he hadn't slept that much either. ******

Upon exiting the general store, Jimmy knew that Hanson was right. As much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't do this all by himself. He knew he had a problem, but he also knew the solution.

Chapter 20.

Buck waited on the buckboard outside Tompkins' store. He had never liked going in there and he avoided it whenever he could. He hated being in there perhaps more than Tompkins hated having them there. It worked out best for the both of them if he didn't set foot in the place. He knew one of the reasons why Tompkins couldn't stand the look of him; a long time ago his wife and daughter were taken capture by the Lakota. The part of the story that Tompkins had a hard time accepting was that, even though they were taken capture at first, they stayed with the Indians out of their own free will. Buck was the one who had found Tompkin's wife and daughter and brought them back to him. The reunion had only caused his family more pain. Now, every time he looked at Buck, he was reminded of the family that he had lost. That didn't give Tompkins the right to hate him. Then again, most people would shoot him first and never ask the questions.

As Buck pondered this, he didn't notice the young boy who walked up to the buckboard. He discreetly coughed until he had gotten Buck's attention.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there." Buck smiled at the boy, once, he noticed that he was trying to gain his attention.

"Mr. Smith over at the telegraph asked me to give you this, Mr. Cross." The young boy handed Buck the note, then scattered.

Need help. Can't do this alone. Come to Seneca. Bring my stuff. Tell Lou I'm sorry. Jimmy.

Buck looked at the paper that the young boy had given him. He read it again and again, just to make sure that he had got every word right. It seemed that he had read it right the first time.

On the way home, Buck rode in silence. He had never been the most talkative of them, but his silence now, Kid decided, was down right creepy.

Guess now I know the right thing to do. I just didn't know that I would find out this way. When Jimmy admits that he needs help, he's in deep. Celinda has just lost her husband, and then there's the farm to run. Add a baby - you got mayhem.

Chapter 21.

Shortly after they reached the station Buck gathered them all in the bunkhouse, explaining that he had an important announcement to make.

No one, including Buck, knew what he was going to say.

So now I stand in front of the people that I've come to look upon as family. I know that what I'm about to say will be hard for them to hear and hard for me to say. But it has to be said. Like Teaspoon once said; "Sometimes you gotta jump in at the deep end and swim." That's what I've been doing for most of my life, but it's never easy. Especially now...

"Everybody," Buck began, "I don't really know where to begin on this one, but I'm gonna try at the beginning and then take it from there." Buck took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves.

As you all know, I've been having some problems lately." He looked down the line of friends in front of him, looking them each in the eye. No one looked away.

"I want to thank each and every one of you for not judging me because of them and for helping me overcome them. If it wasn't for you I'd probably be dead now."

Buck took an other short pause, trying to gather his thoughts, and figure out what he was going to say next. He hoped that he could make them understand what he was feeling and what he was trying to say. He had never been really open with his feelings, but these people had done so much for him, and meant so much for him, he wanted them to know what was in his heart.

"It's just a matter of time before the war comes. And it's just a matter of time before the express closes down." Buck swallowed hard. 'Just jump in at the deep end and swim' he reminded himself.

"I got a telegram from Jimmy today. He needs help with Celinda and the farm in Seneca. After everything he did for me, I have to go."

Hoping that his voice wouldn't fail him, Buck continued. Leaving here is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..." Buck shook his head, struggling to find the words. "When I left the Kiowa, I figured I'd never have a family again. Even living among them, I was the outsider. This is the only place that I've ever felt like I was part of something... like I belonged. That's because of you." Buck lowered his eyes, afraid that if he looked at anyone he would begin to cry.

"No matter where I go, I'll always thing of you as my family."

He looked up again, trying to judge their reactions. Cody looked down at his feet, and Rachel had tears in her eyes. All of their faces showed resignation and sadness.

"He also said to tell Lou that he's really sorry... he can't make it to the wedding." Buck was afraid of what Lou's reaction might be. After all, Jimmy was the last person you'd expect to break a promise.

Upon hearing the news that Buck was leaving them, and now, that Jimmy wasn't coming back, Lou leaned in on Kid, and silently, she began to sob. Buck walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "I know that Jimmy doesn't want to miss it."

"Yeah, I know." Lou sniffled. She looked at Buck then, tears in her eyes, and asked the question that he wished he could avoid.

"You're not going to be there either are you?" Lou stifled another cry.

"I'm sorry."

No one said anything. They all just stood there, digesting what Buck had said.

After everyone had came to terms with Buck leaving as well, he got a saddlebag and went to Jimmy's trunk to gather his stuff; some shirts, a picture of his mother, one of the Wild Bill books, and an old homemade bandage - the blood had dried a long time ago.

"I packed this food for ya." Rachel put the pack in the saddlebag and went to give Buck a rib- crushing hug.

"Thanks Rachel," Buck said, once he had got his breath back.

"Guess this is goodbye then."

He could see that Lou was crying again, and Rachel had tears in her eyes.

"Take care Buck." Kid stepped forward and shook Buck's hand.

"Seneca ain't that far is it?" Cody asked. "It ain't like we'll never see you again... right?"

"Right." Buck smiled, and tried to sound reassuring.

"It ain't gonna be the around here without ya," Noah said with a smile. "Don't be a stranger now, you hear?"

Buck returned Noah's smile, and he said his good-byes to Jesse. He gave Lou a long hug. He didn't say anything to her because he hated seeing her cry.

When he got to Teaspoon, Buck felt the lump in his throat again. Who would have thought that this eccentric old man would teach him so much? He started to speak, but found that he couldn't. He just held out his hand. Teaspoon took his hand and pulled him into a bear hug, then after a moment, he let Buck go. Buck turned, and without another word, he mounted up to ride.

Before he was completely out of sight he reined Warrior to a stop. He looked back at the bunkhouse, and the people in front of it for what might be the last time.

This is really it. I'm leaving and there's a chance that I won't ever see them again. At least not all of them together.

I offered to come along when Jimmy was leaving. I guess at the time I really didn't think about what it would mean to leave here. But now that the moment has come, it feels like I've been punched in the gut. I'm really leaving. I don't know if it's for good. Maybe when Jimmy has things in hand with the farm I can take Teaspoon up on his offer. I know I've made the right decision. Now I have to figure out where this road will lead.

The End

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